


Who Wants To Be A Kill-ionare

by Anonymous



Category: Claire Hive
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:07:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 7,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22269913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: solve the mystery of who killed Pierre-Emerik Aubameyang and be a National treasure, a hero for all of mankind, and idol and a woman of justice and civilisation. Oh shit, you already are one.Well then idk just keep doing what you’re doing!
Relationships: Everyone/Auba
Collections: Anonymous





	1. Chapter 1

**_ Petit tape la danse,  _ **

**_ comme quand le frère tape la balle _ **

“Hey, Claire, I was wondering...” Your friend starts the conversation and you already know where this is going.

“Yes...”

“If you could...”

“Yes...”

“Cover for me today? Today’s the last day, I swear, I have a bit of a cold and I just really can’t come in, you’d be doing me the biggest favour,”

She always does this. Every two weeks she asks you to cover for her, and every single time, you say yes because you just so happen to be the best person alive. So you do and it’s not too much.

Both of you work in practically the same department at the Emirates, although you’ve been practicing with the medical staff more, and the entire crew take it in shifts to clear out the locker rooms after and before matches and training practice. And low and behold, for her last 4 shifts, your friend hasn’t been here and you’ve had to do it for her.

“It’s fine, I can do your shift today,”

_** Black and Yellow,  ** _

_** c'est pas du Versace Versace ** _

_** Borussia Dortmund,  ** _

_** on arrive dans le club ** _

You’re lucky you got the job, working THIS closely with unarguably the best club in the world was amazing. The way you would bump into your favourite players in the hall (maybe on purpose, maybe not), the way you got PAID to watch them on a treadmill while you write random numbers down, the way you get free merchandise and get to watch their matches whenever you want to, it was literally the dream.

“Oh hey, Claire,” A man says, you don’t know his name but you wave at him, he instructs you on what to hang up and what to put under their seats, you know the drill, it’s not too difficult.

Putting the shoes out always gave you these...thots, flashbacks to a forbidden nut, a man who has an undeniable feet kink, Adrien Rabiot. But aside from that, the rest was effortless, you just carried on putting the equipment out and listening to this timeless tune.

_** Montre en or, chaîne en or, Ballon d'or ** _

_** Tout est d'or mon frère, Africain fiere  ** _

You were done before the men started flooding in, so you left and went to go and get breakfast while the training session was beginning, and came back to see them doing their casual exercises.

Sarah asked you for a hell yeah, so for a second you go on live and give the people what they want. It’s another W for womankind. You’re having a great time.

“You training with the medical staff too?” A girl sits next to you, you look over at her, she is very very pretty. 

“Yup, are you?”

She nods her head, and you talk for a bit, she keeps stopping sometimes as if she wants to comment on something before she refrains herself. It’s only when there’s dead silence that she finally says it.

“Are you Claire?” 

You nod your head, you’re slightly suspicious as to how she knows your name, and you wait for her to clarify where she recognises you from.

“You were in my French class, remember? I was always in your groups for the group projects,” 

_** Déterminé comme Aubameyang ** _

_** On connaît pas la défaite,  ** _

_** connaît pas la défaite ** _

“Oh, yeah, I remember you, what are you doing here?” 

She explains about how she’d been travelling in London, and was given the opportunity to work here, and she took it and blah blah, she spoke a lot and she was very pretty. 

“Come to think of it, I was pretty sure I was in love with you. I don’t remember for sure but I have an inkling that I was actually head over heels in love with you.”

“Oh-“ it came so randomely and suddenly that you were taken aback for a second. But she carried on.

“Come to think of it, I’m sure it was you, I remember once I was really bored so I made myself invites to our future wedding, I think I was obsessed with you,” She says it so casually it’s almost like she’s telling you what the weather’s like.

“Oh... okay?” This is pretty awkward.

“Once I actually proposed to you while you weren’t looking, I don’t think you noticed because by the time you turned back I had pussied out and decided to wait at least another week,”

“Oh would you look at the time, I better get going-“ You look at your wrist which very clearly doesn’t have a watch on it and, in the nicest way possible, run towards the tunnel to get into the safety of the medical rooms, where you waited patiently until it was time to clear up the changing rooms.

_** Connaît pas l'échec, nous ce qu'on veut c'est signé des chèques ** _

The changing rooms are never too messy after training so it’s not THAT big of a hassle. The shoes are already right where they need to be, all you had to really do was remove the name tags from each seat and then make sure the lockers were closed firmly.

And most of them were.

Until you reach Pierre-Emerick’s locker, there’s something sticking out of it, a little piece of cloth, you try to tuck it in but there’s something blocking the entire path of the locker.

You try to just pull it out, so that the locker’ll be closeable, but as you do, the entire door flings open, and something (someone) flops out and falls onto the floor.

You scream, but not loud enough for people around the halls to hear. It takes you at least 10 minutes to compose yourself and then when you do, you try to talk to this... person.

_** Tu veux nous test toi,  ** _

_** tu veux nous test ** _

“Hello?” They obviously don’t respond, you flip their body around, and gasp, and then run to stand in the corner for a few more minutes. The face was pale, their veins were so visible and so dark it was clear they had died, although you believed it must have been at maximum an hour ago. They were also holding a glass, which you could only assume held the chemical that killed them.

You check again, just to make sure you’re seeing things right, and you were. You were right about the person being there. You were right about them being dead. You were right about the glass. And there was something you couldn’t check physically but you knew was true, from the bottom of your soul.

Somebody had killed Pierre-Emerik Aubameyang.

_** Frappe dans la lucarne,  ** _

_** Aubamé bang bang, ** _

_** Bang bang ** _


	2. Chapter 2

Everything You Know:

  * After assessment, you conclude that the chemical used to poison Aubameyang was Stylinethis Aberfranken, a chemical which was prohibited all across the globe in 2015, in all countries except those in Europe (not including the UK)
  * You saw Pierre-Emerick at training, and his blood was still relatively warm when you found him, meaning he must have been killed between 15 and 30 minutes after training.
  * There’s the faint smell of bread in the air. You came in about half an hour after everyone had left, so in order for the smell of bread to still be there, the person eating it must have been one of the last people to leave, meaning they were the last person to see Aubameyang.
  * The first time you saw Auba, you were able to recognise the glass, but it was a few visits later when you noticed the piece of paper he had tucked into his left hand. The handwriting was practically illegible, but you could just about decipher that it said ‘He Did This To Me. He Wants To Take My Place. Don’t Let Him Take My Place’. 



Your job is to interview everyone involved, every witness, every suspect, and decide who you think is guilty of the crime.


	3. Reiss Nelson And Joe Willock

“I don’t understand,” Joe scratches his head and looks at both you and Reiss. 

“That’s because she hasn’t asked us anything yet, Joe,” Reiss clarifies, earning an understanding ‘oooh’ from his friend and a nod from you.

You’re not sure why you thought it would be a good idea to interview these two FIRST, but they were suspects after all, anybody who was in that changing room when the incident happened was a suspect, no matter how angelic.

“So boys, I just need to ask you, a couple of questions and then you’re free to go,” You inform them, they nod and then wait for you to hit them with a question.

“Can you describe the last thing you saw before you left the dressing room on Friday?” 

They look at eachother for consolidation, turn their backs to you and whisper between themselves for far too long, nodding and squabbling. Eventually they turn back around.

“Yes, we can,” Reiss states.

“... can what?” 

“We can describe the last things we saw before we left the dressing room on Friday,”

“Great!” You smile at them, and move your chair a bit closer in as to hear what they’re about to tell you. But they don’t say anything after that. They sit back looking rather smug, as if they’d just answered the world’s hardest question.

“So... could you tell me?” You ask, after about three minutes of silence. They both look surprised. 

“Oh, you want us to actually TELL you?” Joe asks, you nod your head.

“Okay, so we finished training, and then we got changed obviously because our clothes smelt tapped, and it was normal. And then we were leaving and I said ‘Laca you’re wearing my hat’, because Laca was wearing my hat,” Reiss began.

“It’s true, he did say that,” Joe confirms.

“And then Laca said ‘oh’ and then he gave it back to me, and he asked where I bought it and I told him, and then he asked me why I needed it, and I was like ‘it’s raining’ and then he got excited,”

“Why’d he get excited?” Joe asked, this wasn’t the type of investigation work you thought you’d be doing. 

“I don’t know he has a thing for sharing umbrellas with Auba, he asked me if I knew where he could get one and I said sure, love is love, I can take you to one. And then he said he wasn’t in love with Auba,”

“I think we‘re all in love with Auba,” You say, because if you can’t beat them you might as well join them. 

“You got that right,” Joe agrees, before Reiss continues his insignificant tale of finding Lacazette an umbrella. 

“So me and Joe took him to this place where they keep all the arsenal merch and I got him an umbrella and then he got all fascinated in which umbrella would be the prettiest, so we just left him there and we went home,”

It was a very underwhelming story which gave you absolutely no more information about the murder than you originally had. You move on to the next question, and after Joe tells you about Auba’s favourite colour, you lose hope and shrug your shoulders.

“Reiss, how do you get your hair to look like that?” You ask, he giggles and then tells you about this leave-in conditioner his mum keeps buying him, while Joe and you listen intently. 

“I was actually thinking of dying my hair,” Joe informs you, and then you as a collective discuss what colour Joe would look best in.

“Blonde is too cliche, we want to make a STATEMENT,” You tell him, he nods.

“Maybe pink, would work, or a nice fire colour ,” He adds, you and Reiss shudder, both of those would look horrible.

After you’re all finished with the hair advise, you realise your late to talk to your next witness, you say your farewells and Reiss and Joe were gone before you knew it.


	4. Gabriel Martinelli

“Is that Gabriel?” You ask, when you see a little head pop out from behind the door. He nods very gently and you welcome him in.

It’s almost like you’re doing all the baby ones first, but alas, you ignore the fact that you have the overwhelming urge to adopt him immediately and run away to live in a jungle with him, and the gentle presence of nearby woodpeckers and bears.

“So, talk me through your Friday,” You begin.

“Well,” As he talks in Portuguese, English subtitles float below him, just like on Arsenal FC’s official YouTube channel, “I woke up a bit late, so I was in a hurry coming in for training,”

“We missed breakfast, so we had to pack our food up in these plastic boxes the dinner ladies gave us and wait until after training to eat, so we wouldn’t get fined or punished for being late,”

“Who’s we?” You interrupt him, you’re holding a notebook and taking notes to make it seem as if you’ve been training all your life for this moment. 

“Me, David and Nico,” He tells you, you make note of it before he carries on, “And then training went very well, although I did slip on the grass when we were coming back in,”

“Oh poor baby, are you okay now?” You didn’t MEAN to sound like a concerned mother but it was too late now.

“I’m okay, I didn’t even have a bruise, it was fine,” He assures, and you’re able to calm down and carry on making notes, “I got changed very quickly because I was hungry and then opened up my sandwich,”

Your face switches from a :happyplead: to a :mmverysuspicious: at the mention of sandwiches because of the bread you were able to smell in the air upon finding Auba.

“Go on,” You tell him, attempting to keep your :lookingdown: face going to avoid your suspicion being noticed. 

“But I don’t really feel comfortable eating in front of people, so I just packed my stuff up, said my goodbye’s and left to go and eat in the Uber.” 

“What time did you leave?” You ask.

“About... 5:30, everyone else left usually leaves at about 6,” He states, you nod.

You ask him a couple more questions, none of them really giving you big clues as to who it may be, so you end the interview by telling him that he was a pleasure to talk to. He grins and then leaves, and you’re slightly bummed you didn’t ask for his hand in adoption.


	5. Hector Bellerin

“Hey, Hector, come in, sit down,” You open the door to begin your next interview and Hector walks in, as slutty and handsome as he always looks. 

He was wearing a flower crown with his training kit and these weird sandals you’ve never seen before. But he almost made it look good, you didn’t mention it and let him sit down, you figured you could mention it later if he was clearly innocent and you had nothing to interrogate him on.

“You look pretty worn out, do you need some water or anything?” You ask him as you yourself get seated.

“No thanks, I’m vegan,” He tells you and you don’t even begin to contemplate what that even has to do with the situation and what he drinks if he thinks water doesn’t fit into the criteria of his veganism.

“Well then, let’s begin with the interview, where were you at breakfast?” You ask, you need to know if he also had any pastry food that would assist with narrowing down suspects.

“Oh I don’t eat from here,” He says casually.

“Where do you eat then?”

“Oh, I don’t eat, I just gnaw on metal spoons to fuel me,”

“O-okay-“

“I’m kinda quirky,”

You cough and then continue to ask him a few more questions.

“Can you give me the rough time in which you left the changing room?” 

“Uhm about 5,”

“But training ended at 5-“

“Oh I know,”

“So you got changed in less than a minute?”

“Oh I don’t need to change, I just take my training kit off and leave naked, innit,”

“Now, that’s just a lie-“

“Ass out and everything, I love Mother Nature she really speaks to me,”

“That’s amazing Hector, bu-“

“Me and her are like kinda the same person,” He’s looking at his nails, and casually leaning on his chair.

“Do... do you wanna clarify what that means?” You shouldn’t be going off-topic like this but you kind of want to know what he’s talking about.

“Well, have you ever seen us both in the same room?”

“No, but that’s jus-“ You attempt to begin but he presses a finger against your lips and hushes you.

“Exactly,”

You don’t know whether to carry on with the questions or just go off topic because it’s almost hopeless now but you end up not having to decide.

“Can I tell you a secret?”

“Sure,” You shrug, you don’t have anything better to do.

“I’ve had my suspicions, ever since they took Auba away from me, I’ve been eyeing a certain person. His names Mustafi. Shkodran Mustafi. He never really spoke to Auba like the rest of us, and there was always the fact that EVERYONE knows Arsenal have an amazing attack and a horrid defence. And maybe he wanted to destroy his competition. And I have a feeling he did,”

And wih that, he got up and left.


	6. Shkodran Mustafi

He fell over 6 times on his way to the seat. You only counted because after the third, you didn’t know what to do. You just had to wait. And wait. And wait until he got the chair in one piece. 

“So,”

“Is this an interrogation?” He asks and you nod.

“I’ll just be asking you a couple of questions, is that alright?” You request and he nods.

“So, could you describe your relationship with Auba in a few sentences, please,” You say, notepad out, this could be a breakthrough.

“Oh I see what’s going on. This is Hector’s doing isn’t it? Everyone always listens to everything that little rat says, ever since he got that pretty haircut,” You can’t say Shkodran hasn’t caught you red-handed. You did only take Hector’s suspicion into account because he cut his hair.

“Sir, I have to interview every single person who was there, this has nothing to do with Hector,”

“I refused to continue this biased interview,” He folded his arms like a child.

“Well then if you don’t answer my questions, I’ll have to assume you have something to hide, and put you down as a narrowed suspect,”

He goes red and gets a bit angry, but his arms are still crossed and not a word leaves his lips.

“A man of silence in an interrogation is a man with something to hide,” You taunt him a bit more, just enough so that he gets a bit angry and then he finally huffs and begins to tell you his routine, his very specific routine.

“7:30 to 7:45, I eat breakfast with everyone, then we make our way to training. Then training commences...” You zone out for a bit as he informs you about the most irrelevant details on his routine, and then wait until he gets to the part where he’s entered the changing rooms.

“5:00 to 5:01, I seat myself beside my locker. 5:01 to 5:13, I am changed on the top half, all dirty clothes are piled on my right side. 5:14 to 5:22, Hector yells at me for always putting my dirty clothes on his side and I tell him he isn’t as pretty as he thinks he is, 5:22 to 5:27, Hector cries and everyone tells me not to hurt him because he’s only a kid,”

It’s a very slow moving schedule.

“5:27 to 5:39, I am changed on my bottom half, and all clothes are right next to Hector’s locker because he is not there anymore because he is being cuddled by Leno and told everything is going to be okay. 5:39 to 5:40, wait for 5:40. 5:40, I leave and go home,”

“Why didn’t you just leave at 5:39?” You ask him.

“I have a timetable, and I must stick to it,” He informs you. You scoff under your breathe.

Why are all these Germans so damn strict?

“Do you wanna hear what I think is going on?” He suddenly whispers, looking around as if there are hidden cameras he’s trying to avoid.

“Ofcourse, feel free,” You encourage him.

“I wouldn’t trust Laca if I were you. I saw him leave while I was yelling at Hector. And I saw him coming back when I was leaving, he still wasn’t even dressed. And the next day he had this guilty look on him, he almost looked like he knew something that the rest of us didn’t,” His voice is so quiet he’s almost mouthing it.

Nevertheless, your interview with Shkodran is over and he leaves relatively unnerved, although you keep him on your mental list of suspects, and wait for the next person to come in.


	7. Alexandre Lacazette

“It’s okay, It’s gonna be okay,”

You were supposed to be interviewing Alexandre but he’s been crying for like an hour and you don’t know what to do. 

“Is it true you actually think I’d... you know... do what you think I did,l?” He looks genuinely heartbroken and any suspicion you ever had of him dissipates.

“Of course not, I just need to hear from all the witnesses, it’s not that I suspect you, I just need to hear your side of the story,” You assure him and he eventually calms down.

“So, just tell me what happened after training and you can go, is that alright,” You finally go back to sitting in your seat and he nods.

“So I was getting changed and then Reiss was like Laca you’re wearing my hat, because I was wearing his hat, and I said oh and I gave it back to him and then he told me it was raining, and I obviously got very excited,” Alexandre retold, you didn’t need to make notes because Reiss had already told you this but your pen was still at the ready.

“Why were you excited, sunshine, it always rains in London,” You ask him, and he takes a while before he answers.

“Have you ever had the feeling you're drawn to someone?” He asks, the questions sounds familiar.

“Yeah” You nod.

“And there isn't anything they could of said or done?”

You nod your head again whilst making note. 

“And everyday I see him on his own  
And I can't believe that he’s alone  
But I overheard his girls and this is what they said...”

You wait in suspense to hear what Auba’s girls said.

“That he’s looking for a boyfriend  
I see that  
Gimme time, you know I'm gonna be there  
He’s not scared to come put his trust in me  
Can't he see all I really want to b-“

“Laca, that’s beautiful, but we need to keep moving,” You have to hurry him as much as you’d like to hear him carry on singing.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I’ll carry on. I just like seeing the photos on Instagram of us sharing umbrellas,” He explains, its very understandable, “And then I went to go and get them, I got a really pretty one that matched Auba’s jacket, I was so hyped to show him. And then...”

“It’s okay, take your time,”

“And when I came back... Auba was on the floor and... HE was there,” He’s crying heavily by now, you move around the desk to go back to rubbing his back, “He was trying to replace him, Claire, he wants to replace him,”

“Laca, don’t worry, just tell me who it was and he won’t be able to repl-“

“ITS JUST GONNA BE ME AND HIM UP THERE, CLAIRE, JUST ME AND HIM,” Alex is crying so hard, your shirt is soaking.

“Laca, just say his name and I promise I’ll be able to help you,”

“AUBA’S DEAD NOW BECAUSE OF HIM”

“Laca, he can’t hurt you if you just TELL m-“

And then Alexandre faints.


	8. Lucas Torriera

“Hello, Lucas, come in,”

He’s the casualest person you’ve interviewed all day. He sits down and he answers all your questions very calmly, and so efficiently that you finish ten minutes early.

“Now this isn’t actually part of the interview but is there anything else you’d like to tell me?” You ask.

“Well... first of all I’d just like to clarify that it really could not have been, I’m 5”5’ I couldn’t force anyone to drink anything if my life depended on it,” He says, you nod understandingly.

“And second of all, I feel like the real perpetrator is someone who was worn the red lit before but not anymore. You see this person shouldn’t even be AT the Arsenal FC training ground... SHOW YOURSELF ZLATAN,”

You gasp, before the window gushes open and Zlatan stands upon the window sill, you MUST be dreaming right now, that’s LOVE OF YOUR LIFE right there. You rest your head on your hands in daydream and wait for him to speak.

“It is true, haha, I am the best player in the world,”

“That is not what I said.... I did not say that,” Lucas clarifies, but you butt in.

“I did,” You say, still star struck at the sight of the man himself. 

“But I’m not here to murder, I am here to take what is rightfully mine, THE BALON DOOOOOOOR,” He shouts, and runs straight through the room. You and Lucas look at each other and then Lucas starts counting.

“And three... and two... and one,” He says and right on queue, Zlatan comes back in.

“So no Balon Dor?” He asks, you both shake your head, “then I guess if I cannot recieve, I will give,”

He hands you a piece of paper with his number on it, before he jumps out the window. You are experiencing so many blessed emotions at once you scream for at least 50 minutes, and then go back to the interview, but you have to say you’re still screaming on the inside while Lucas talks.

“And on a more serious note... I love David to bits but... when we were leaving, David was sitting at his locker, fully dressed. With nothing in hand, he was just sitting... I think he was waiting... for something or the other. I’m not saying it was him but... I’d keep an eye open if I were you,”

You nod, half because you understand, half because you want to end to interview so you can call Zlatan immediately.


	9. David Luiz

“Hey, David, how are you doing?” 

“Good, good,”

“That’s very good to hear,”

It’s the next day, you couldn’t do another interview after Zlatan gave you his number, you could barely think about anything else, let alone carry on interviewing pretty people.

“Now, please, just tell me how your Friday went,” You instruct and he nods before he tells you all about it.

“Well I was late because it takes a long time to dry your hair after a shower because I have to do it REALLY well and then get dressed so that the rain outside doesn’t ruin it. So by the time I got to training everyone had already eaten so I had to pack some weird sandwich and be on my way,”

“I was tired for the whole of training, Leno told me it was an iron deficiency but I think it was just because I was hungry, he still made me eat some ugly mineral pills though, and that was about all that entered my stomach until training was done,”

“And then I was sitting in the training room after I got changed, and then I suddenly started feeling really really dizzy, so I went to go and get my food out my bag, but Nico said it was fine and he would go and get it for me, so I just sat down and tried to distract myself,”

“I just stared at the floor and listened in to Reiss and Laca’s conversation. Basically, Reiss was like ‘Laca you’re wearing my ha-“

“because he was wearing his hat, and Laca said oh and he gave it back to him and then Reiss told Laca it was raining?” You finish it off for him, you’ve heard it far too many times.

“Oh, yeah exactly, and then they left so I just kinda... looked at the floor until Nico got back, I think he locked the door behind him, and he gave me my bag, which, come to think of it now, was pretty sketchy, but I mean, whatever, I got my sandwich and I left to eat in the car. And that’s basically my Friday,”

He answers three or four more questions, he clarifies that he does infact have nice hair in almost every 5 sentences but overall, you could say he pulls a bit of a masterclass.

You nod, there’s nothing that can raise any suspicion in his tale, and he does have very pretty hair, so you’re about to dismiss him, but you might as well ask him one more question.

“Do you have any... suspicions on who it may be?” Seeing as everyone else was telling you, why couldn’t David?

“Well not really, I guess I got a bit suspicious of Nico when he locked the back door behind him after getting my back out from my locker, but aside from that, I didn’t see anything else. I mean I did see other things like the bench and Rob stealing a pair of trousers from someone else’s bag, but I didn’t see anything SUSPICIOUS,”

“I see, I see, well thank you David, it’s been a very useful interview,” You wave him goodbye as he gets up and goes on his way.

“Now if you’ll excuse me,” You say to yourself as the door shuts behind him, “I’ve got a goat to ring up,”


	10. Nicolas Pepe

“Hey Nico, come in, come in,”

He sits down very calmly, he’s a very grinny person, he sits down and compliments your pretty hair (to be fair to him it is incredibly pretty), but then he just took out his phone and sat there using it.

“I’m gonna ask you a few questions, and then you’re free to go back home, is that alright?” You ask, he nods and then puts his phone in his pocket.

“So... could you just tell me what you remember about your Friday night?”

“I know that I was very late, I don’t remember why, and I care into training with Gabi and David, we all got breakfast and packed it in our bags, and then we trained. And then I came back and I got David and I food and then I just ate, I don’t know where he went, and then I went home,”

“That’s great, now when was the last time you saw Auba?”

“Uh... I think it was when I finished my sandwich and I left,” He replied and he put his hand back into his pocket as if he was about to get his phone back out so you had to distract him. You flung seven or eight questions his way, his answers were short but nevertheless he answered. 

“Do you remember anything before that?” 

“Well, Laca was being a bit weird and leaving without getting changed,”

“Do you think that had anything to do with Auba?” You know the answer is no but you’d like to hear Nick’s theories. 

“I don’t know,” He shrugs, “I’m not a snitch,” 

He almost looks like he’s aiming that as someone but you can’t tell whether it’s you or someone else. You ignore the fact he just told you that he wouldn’t tell you if he knew who murdered his close friend, because he didn’t want to be a snake, and you attempt to wrap up the interview.

“Is there anything you’d like to tell me?” You ask, to wrap up the interview.

“I just hope you know I’m new here, I literally flew in from France a few weeks ago, I don’t know anything that can really help you, I’m new and I can’t say I’m not confused,”

You explain to him what you know and he nods, before saying goodbye and leaving immediately.

“NICO, WAIT YOU I NEED TO ASK YOU ONE MORE QUEST-“

You wanted to ask him who he thought you should speak to next, who he thought could either lead you to more clues and a brighter image of what happened, or at least who he thinks would be guilty. 

But the door had shut behind him and Nicolas was out the door before you could say a word. And you couldn’t help but realise what he’d done.

Nicolas had left you lying for being a team which beyond France nothing is eaten and will not stop being a little kit for a lot of money injected.


	11. Vivianne Miedema And Lisa Evans

“I don’t think you quite understand,” Vivianne says, it’s been half an hour and you still haven’t grasped what they’re trying to tell you, maybe that’s because you’re a bit tired, maybe it’s just because you want them to stay a little longer, we’ll never know.

“Well could you... explain it again?” You ask, this feels like the hundredth time, you’re pretending to take notes but you’re just drawing them because they’re pretty and you can’t let your artistic talent go to waste.

“We play for Arsenal Women’s, so it is literally impossible that we were in the changing rooms when whatever happened happened. Also we don’t even train in this stadium, we literally have nothing to do with this place,” Lisa explains, and you nod, you’re about to ask her to explain again but you think you’ve heard enough.

“I see, I see,” You nod, “Well then... now we just have a bunch of time and nothing to interrogate you on,”

“Yeah...” Its silent for a couple of seconds.

“Wanna listen to Wenger Anthem?”

“‘Course,”

“So where do I begin, as I start this letter  
Lies from the board, that we would do better” Viv is on the table and she is belting it out as if she’s never had a subject that has touched her heart more closely. 

“I'm so pissed, I'm about cuss every board member” Lisa says, almost right after, it’s practically like they rehearsed this.

“And Wenger...” You say, because you know Viv wants to do the next part. And then she just stays doing the entire song.

“We were out of the title race by the end of September,  
The board members told us  
We would compete with Bayern  
But we lost 10-2 in two games  
Why the hell you lying?”

The song goes on, and your time to shine is so close you can almost taste it. And then it arrives.

“Another big game, and we got spanked,” Viv says, and then before you know it you’re on the table, and with every fibre of power in your body, you say it.

“SO STRESSED OUT I CANT EVEN WANK,” 

And the rest is a blur to you, but you remember Lisa getting on the table a few seconds later and the three of you having an absolute blast. 

And as they leave, you remember grabbing Lisa by the arm, and saying the words you never thought you’d have the guts to say.

“Thoughts on polygamy?”

Lisa laughs and then she says she’ll think about it. Vivianne says yes, before they’re both dragged out by some random staff member you kind of want to punch. And with that, the pretty gays are gone, and you are sat upon a table wondering Wenger couldn’t see that the fan base was happy.


	12. Alex Iwobi

You dial the number.

And then again.

And then a third time.

And a fourth.

And then so many times after that, that you give up on keeping track of numbers.

But still, there is no answer on the other side of the phone. 

You try again and again but alas, there is not a single signal of life. And it leaves you wondering.

Alex Iwobi...  
Why are you ducking my calls?


	13. Matteo Guendouzi

You can lie and say you’re not saving the best for second last by putting Matteo near the end of your list but you really did. You had no a lot to say to him, to congratulate him on his Adidas deal, and to accidentally brush your hand on his hair and then compliment the texture of his hair, or maybe you could just listen to him talk for the entire half hour and he’d be on his way and you’d be on yours and it would be great.

“Hey, Matteo, come in, sit down,” You keep a casual face as he sits down, he nods and says he’s good. You are about to faint.

You’d also be lying if you said you didn’t have a wedding ring stashed in your left pocket, but alas you keep it hidden until after you are done with the interrogation. 

“So, can you tell me what happened on Friday?” You ask.

“Well we trained like normal and then we headed back into the locker rooms. I got changed and was about to leave with everyone else, but then I remembered I left something out on the training field so I went back to go and get it,”

“Mhmm,” You’d make notes but you haven’t listened to a word he’s said, you’re just waiting for him to finish so you can tell him he has a really pretty voice.

“And then when I was coming back, I saw a guy and he was laughing with Auba, I can’t remember exactly how he looked but he was about 2 inches shorter than Auba and I...”

He starts crying and you suddenly spring back into reality, and run over to the other side. As much as you are concerned about him, you also can’t help but nyehe in your head because you do believe it is cuddle time.

“I’m scared I was the last one to see Auba before...” 

And then he cries again, you’re trying to get him to turn towards you so that you can hug him, without actually hinting that your are there to hug him. Eventually you just go on for the cuddle and he cries a bit more into your neck.

The amount of pretty, sobbing Arsenal players that you have acquired...

“It’s okay you don’t have to finish that sentence off, just carry on with the story,”

He sniffles for a few minutes but then he’s able to go on. You let go and grab him a tissue and a cup of water (vegan water may I add).

“Well... I was going to go and scare them but I ended up just leaving and going home. I have no idea what happened or why,” 

“That’s okay, that’s fine, don’t worry Matteo, you’ve helped me enough, thank you,”

“If I try really hard I can hear him laughing in my head,”

“Matteo, sweetheart, don’t do that-“ You advise him but he can’t hear you, because he is still talking.

“And if I stare really closely at someone I can pretend it’s Auba,” 

“Matteo please-“

He squints at you in silence for about 3 minutes and then gasps.

“Auba? Auba I’m so sorry, I miss you so so much,” He’s still crying and grabbing your arm so hard you’re sure he’s stopping some of your blood from circulating.

“MATTEO ITS ME, IT’S CLAIRE,” You scream, because he is holding you so tightly you have no other choice. Then he starts aggressively kissing your cheeks and forehead.

“COME BACK, PLEASE, WHO’S GONNA HELP US FINISH 4TH NOW? AUBA, PLEASE,” 

“MATTEO, I’M NOT AUBA, IT’S ME, PLEASE SNAP OUT OF IT,” You attempt to shake him but his grasp on you is too strong, until suddenly he let’s go and you’re able to move again. And then you realise why he let go, and have to make an addition to your original thought.

The amount of fainting*, pretty, sobbing Arsenal players that you have acquired...


	14. Berd Leno (uwu)

“Whose baby is that?” 

Leno came into the interview with a tiny baby strapped around his torso, in one of those carriers that mothers wear when they want to go out with their newborn baby.

“I have no idea, I can’t keep track of these things,”

“Oh... well it’s a very cute baby,”

“I’m glad you think so,” He grins at you. He talks to you a bit about another time when his goalkeeping coach was holding a different baby and he felt the overwhelming urge to look after it so he asked if he could hold her, and then ran away with the baby before the coach could catch up with him. It’s a very interesting story but you have to ask him to cut it short because you have an interrogation to get into.

“By the way, before you begin, I’m being as humble as possible when I say that there is an entire footballing organisation resting on my shoulders, I can’t say I have time to be hurting my close friends,”

And you have to I give it to him, he does carry the bare essentials of Arsenal football club on his back.

“I understand, can you just give me a rerun of what happened Last Friday?”

“Well Shkodran made Hector cry so I had to deal with that, I keep telling this men they’re fully grown and I’m not Jordan Henderson, I’m not here to be a father figure, but I mean, somebody has to do it am I right?”

You nod, not that you’ve ever had to raise a group of adult males. And Leno continues, but now he’s taken the baby out of its little carrier and is feeding it milk from a bottle you’re certain he didn’t have when he got in here.

“Anyway, as I was saying,”

“Where did you get the bottle fro-“

“After Hector was finished with his sobfest I had to tell him he wasn’t going to leave naked, he says it’s relieving but he just looks a bit weird, so after I’d forced him to put clothes on, I had to get changed myself and then get home to stare at the wall until I fall asleep,”

Classic strict Germans, you wouldn’t expect any better from them. 

“Vermuten Sie, wer es sein könnte?” You ask, the baby starts crying and you can only hear the smallest amount of what he’s saying, so you have to piece together the three words that you hear.

“Eifersüchtig”

“Zu leise darüber”

and

“Mörder”


	15. Chapter 15

Do not tell us who you think killed Auba just yet (I mean u can but we can’t say you’re right or wrong), but remember their name, because you will need it in order to complete your next puzzle. 

Do what you do best and pull a masterclass.

We are relying on you, soldier.

:cowboydab:


End file.
